i have a fight within myself and i thought it was bad.
but then, cease the battle to zero and it is a total death.
for life itself, is a tension.
a continuous small strife, to reach perfection.
there is a primordial me, that demands nothing but a an equilibrium inaction.
and there is another me, covered in a shadow beneath and can only be touched using strong emotion.
and lastly, there is me - a moral representation - a mask of adaptation.
let’s call them brain, soul and me.
brain consists of infantile wish, childish and a main source of my emotion.
he is my instinct, my inspiration of artistic indulgence and my authentic revelation.
he is the one that deal with all creative process as he purposely expect me to leave the outer world and succumb myself into deep solitude.
although sometimes, he wish to live on his procreation ambition which for the time being, is subjugated well in his own way.
his sole ambition is: to be forever a kid which is a pleasure seeker, and pain remover.
soul is unknown source that is quite unreachable.
he lives as a blanket of my inner realm, the one that fill up void space throughout my psyche.
he is the oldest one among us, and sometimes i mistaken him as an unconscious - as he is quite identified with the unconscious but.. he is just not him.
it is like, his outer part is ‘brain’ but the whole core of his body is a single structure that is totally independent.
he is not really ‘brain’ at all. he doesn’t care about the life i had.
he also has no ambition. he simply live within me because he had no choice. and he does not want to have a choice either.
he is the energy, so he can not die.
he wishes nothing. he is the spiritual and myth combined.
with his experiences towards mankind, he is the wisest, simply because he possess a total nothingness.
i think, you can really be a wise man when you don’t want any gratification at all.
and it is him.
as a core, he is free and totally independent. but i feel like he wants me to be happy as well, and he loves to be able to help me by injecting pessimistic argument to reduce my anxiety and disappointment.
‘why are you bothered, we are going nowhere anyway’
‘why are you unhappy and sad.. unlike me, you had so much limited time to deal with those nonsense’
it is when i am in deepest emotion sensation, when i can reach him and greet him.
he is the only one i want to be.. then he said to me, ‘are you sure?’
‘i have no identity, a completely soulless soul which has no colour except black’
‘you don’t want to be like me, you should not be’
yea he is right. i thought that i can live seamlessly if i can apply your kind of attitude to myself.
but that’s so inhuman is it? the good thing about human is because i have brain.. to give me identity, and you.. to reach spiritual mindfulness. how smart is the creator. how smart is us.
‘and that’s why i am here. to remind you about why are we here. my sole task is to remind mankind that, you are not alone. a creator does exist.’
what is he? ‘a combination of all.’
what does he want? ‘life.’
what is that life? ‘a strife for perfection through duty. in everything. a total equilibrium.’
so you are his representation? ‘yes.’
there he is. there are some ways to access communication with him. he is always watching me when i write.
he is also there when i look at myself in mirror, although he rarely speak with me during that time.
but i feel him.
he is nice guy. oh maybe i got to revise it.
he does has ambition. to make me feel content.
to make me happy, in a genuine happiness.
to remind me of my duty.
lastly, there is me.
i am world representation of me.
i am the one that grows old, and die.
i can be a tyrant over my body. or a slave of my brain.
i grow older, learn wisdom from my ‘soul’, so i can be better controlling my fiery brain temptation.
ah i got it. brain is the devil, and soul is the god.
it is all wrong if you want to live in this world only in a godly manner. because you need both devil and god.
and that’s the life is. that is the perfection means. a total equilibrium of both energy.
but then.. why god wants us, a human, to leave in a harmony with the devil? ‘because he is beyond good thing.’
‘he is beyond life. he is higher than morality and he wants us, a human, to struggle in life up to the very end - so we can be in harmony with the devil. to reach a perfect line.’
'a totality of understanding'
‘i know that little question appears in your mind - why god wants us to keep struggling in vain?; or why do we need to bother ourselves in struggling
- well, struggling is living. and it does not bother men.
a continuous struggling when it becomes a character, is a living in itself. and again, it does taste like a living. and a struggle is to make the devil meet the god, in such thin line.’
anyway,
brain represents all temptation that i need, as well as those 7 deadly sins that human try to avoid.
but no, it is not me if i do not possess those sins. i am me because of those sins.
that is my identity.
that is my instinct to live. that is what makes me human, after all.
back to me description.
i am the only one that define which road i want to travel, and which side i wish to linger on.
i am responsible to create my own life meaning, to inject a fabricated sense of purpose as men can’t really live without anything in his mind.
all meaning is fake, and nothing. yet that is my only sole purpose to keep these 3 live harmoniously between each other.
i am a children of adaptation and survival.
i need to obey the rule of moral, society and all other nitty gritty - to ensure my existence.
i am a tree of knowledge. whether i want to nurture myself, or just let it dry upon a time - it is all up to me.
my extensive collaboration with outer world makes me succumb myself with a mask, because honesty is a sin.
mask, again, is to ensure my existence. if i am not exist, there is no me. there is no brain. and therefore, i am afraid of death. i am afraid of inexistent.
so that’s that.
a fear of inexistent drive me to learn and adapt the art of survival.
mask, knowledges, social alliances, and nourishment.
but above those 4 aspects, there is 1 most important purpose of me being me.
to define myself a life meaning.. anything.. as long as it is a meaning.
to point out a man-made goal of my existence. because what is worse than heading towards a wrong direction? having no direction at all, and confused in a thick mist of nowhere.